Uptick, Day 2
At this point, I suspect this uptick is an actual thing.
This is good.
I am still not quite myself. Still feeling rather numb and unmotivated, but the desire to do things is beginning to return. As usual, it has returned accompanied by intense restlessness and frustration. I should say that I the restlessness isn’t new; rather, its flavor has changed. I was unable to concentrate; to do things. Now I’m subject to a powerful urge to get moving, though I’m still not concentrating so well.
The frustration is innate to my nature. There are steps I think I should take, but I know that as my mood improves I will forget about them. I guess I’m frustrated because I want those steps to be behind me already so I can’t forget about them, and so I’ll be making progress instead, and so I won’t have to think about them anymore.
I’m also vaguely irritated with myself for doing so much navel-gazing in my bike blog, but that will pass. It’s just the persnickety side of myself objecting to how far off-topic I’ve strayed.
That part of me thinks, “Why not just write this horse hockey in some kind of private journal?” For what it’s worth, that same part of me dislikes revealing vulnerabilities, though we all have them (some of us are great sprinters but weak climbers, etc., etc.).
The pragmatic part of me realizes that I don’t write this horse hockey in some kind of private journal because I won’t. I can’t quite explain it. It’s as if, in order to give shape to my thoughts, I need an audience — even if it’s an imaginary one (the same principle applies my fiction).
In short, I suspect there’s some part of me that’s like, “Frack it, why do I need to write to myself about all this stuff?”
Another part of me recognizes that in putting this all down on (virtual) paper, I gain insight that I might not otherwise acquire (not to mention records of my ongoing cycle of highs and lows). Internal reflection apparently isn’t my style (too busy riding bikes, I guess?), but external rambling works a treat.
I should probably get my butt in gear and clean up the plumbing stuff. Denis did an awesome job fixing the toilet (which was continually running) last night, and I told him I’d take care of the tools.
It’s taken me a long time to write this — over an hour — because I’m still having difficulties focusing.
I guess that’s it for now. I’m curious how the fixed pedal on the road bike will perform. Maybe an update on that later.