This Stupid Day

In fact, today wasn’t really a stupid day.

It was a pretty good day.

We worked on stuff in Chem lecture that went really well for me (it turns out I freaking love math, but that’s another post).  We got Exam II back in Sensation and Perception and I did really well (a 96; could’ve had a 98 if I hadn’t completely forgotten to answer question 31, but 96 is fine).  We even got out of class early, and I got to ride my bike 8 whole miles (whoopee!).

Given the Usual Bronchitis (which, it turns out, is more like a sinus infection that has been exacerbating the crap out of my asthma and maybe a mild bronchitis), riding 8 miles in cold weather actually does feel like a big deal.  I had forgotten what a difference my little nylon terrorist mask balaclava makes — I can breathe through it pretty well, but it somehow takes the cold edge off the air; the edge that freaks my lungs out so badly.  And, of course, medicine helps.

I even stopped and picked up dinner stuff — chicken, a take-n-bake multi-grain baguette, a couple other things — and came up with a dinner plan and rearranged some of the financial records in the basement (and discovered that Denis has complete financial records back to when I was in grade school — no, seriously, grade school, I’m not kidding).

When I got home, I ate lunch, I did the prep work so I could have dinner ready when Denis got home, and I ran a couple of loads of laundry…

…And still I find myself feeling pretty glum.

Some of it’s just the usual hormonal circus.  I wouldn’t want to stop being an intersex person.  I like me the way I am (and Denis really, really likes me the way I am).  I would, however, not mind a little more stability in the hormonal department.

Admittedly, it’s worse than it could be right now, because being sick made for a quick, hard taper on the bike.  Riding is totally my mood stabilizer, so right now I’m essentially off my meds, heh.

And then, also, our house is a disaster area right now.

I mean, it could be worse.  We aren’t by any means at DEFCON-Hoarders or anything like that.  It’s just cluttered; the surface clutter of the past two months or so.  I just lost all control of my household responsibilities a while back and haven’t been able to regain it.

I am deeply and abidingly annoyed about the house (and the fact that I am like a month behind on the finances) right now.  I just don’t know how to begin untangling the knot.  It doesn’t appear that my recent efforts have made any improvements, and therefore they seem meaningless and like a waste of time.

Denis has taken over washing the dishes for me, which has been a help, but I miss being the reason that he never had to lift a finger once he got home.  I realize for a lot of people that wouldn’t be a huge motivator; for me, it is.  Different strokes for different folks.

The difficulty is learning balance.  I still really, really suck at balancing … well, anything.  This summer I learned that even a rigorous training schedule can derail my ability to manage the house.  Two hours’ scheduled ride time somehow turns into two hours’ ride, plus lunch, plus rambling around after lunch running errands, and then I get home and I have essentially no time ’til Denis returns from work (admittedly, the fact that Denis gets home at a different time every day is very hard for me).

This is frustrating.  It’s a problem I don’t know how to fix.  I realize that medication might be part of the answer in the long term.  Like, actual medication.  Not just bike “medication.”  I recognize that I’m probably going to need more help than that in the adult world, even if my adult world, after I graduate, means staying home and raising kids rather than going to med school or whatever.  In fact, I’d say that medication might be about twice as helpful if I decide to keep doing the homemaker thing, because I’ll have to manage all the things I’m worst at — time, scheduling, etc.

I am no longer at a point where I’m willing to keep flogging myself.  It’s stupid not to use tools that work.  More effort won’t help; if I make any more effort, I’ll explode.  More focus will help, and medication can help with that.

I’m just rambling.  Anyway, at the end of the day, all this stuff sometimes leaves me grumbling, This stupid day.  Which is, in fact, stupid in and of itself, because today was actually a glorious and a pretty darned good day.

And the rest will eventually get sorted, or the whole ship will sink and we’ll start over.

I guess I’ll try to remember that.

That’s it for now.  Bikier stuff is coming.

Keep the rubber side down, and try to keep at least one surface free of debris.  You need somewhere to put your wheel when you’re changing your tires, after all.

About asher

Me in a nutshell: Blissfully married, ballet-and-bicyle-obsessed gay intersexed boy. Budding researcher. Half-baked dancer. Mediocre gravel racer. Learning to live with bipolar disorder. Indiana University Southeast psychology senior (go Grenadiers!). Proto-foodie, but lazy about it. Cat owner ... or, should I say, cat own-ee? ... dog lover. Equestrian.

Posted on 2013/11/13, in life. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. If it makes you feel any better, I’m in the same boat as you. Time management has always been a huge issue for me, my priorities always being skewed in favor of 1. writing and 2. easy chores and errands. Cycling happens but is always a bit of a rush and usually a reluctant two hours of workouts. Don’t get me started on house cleaning. My bathroom’s a pigsty, and I still can’t get myself to take the time and clean it.

    In your case, though, maybe you’re taking too much on yourself at the moment, especially with you being sick. *shakes finger at you* Denis understands what you’re going through, he’s a real sweetheart, and you need to get well first.

    • Heh, you’re spot on, as usual :) Denis is really a lovely man and does understand what I’m wrestling with.

      It does make me feel better to know I’m not the only one whose prioritization system leaves something to be desired! I also have weird prioritization issues (like, I should be typing my Chem notes right now, instead of updating the ol’ blog!) — and I so hear you about the “easy chores.” Laundry basically always gets done unless I have literally no time available, because it requires almost no effort to wash & dry clothes and I can fold them while watching :::cough::: educational :::cough::: television shows.

      I am also very much guilty, on a regular basis, of taking on too much. I can now sometimes imagine how long a given task will take, but haven’t yet overcome the tendency to imagine that I can stick four two-hour tasks into a two-hour window (which, I realize ,amounts to doing time-related math like this: 2+2+2+2 = 2). And, of course, when I’m under the weather I forget to account for being more tired than usual and things taking longer as result.

      I guess I should, in fact, go do my Chem notes (and homework). Thanks, as always, for your kind words!

  2. Oh dude! Seriously! Time management? What’s that? I gave up years ago. I used to try to do everything right in my 20s. It just got me all knotted up and cranky. I’m only in my mid-30s but if I could have my 20s again, I’d take a chill pill and not worry too much about taking on too much ‘adult responsibility’.

    Life’s short. Your partner will love you best if you are happy; even if it does mean you can’t be “the perfect partner” or “the perfect housekeeper”.

    I’m not sure what hormones you do or don’t take / need. But as a transgender man, I have found that having the right hormone balance can take some experimentation and does definitely affect your mood / balance / state of mind. As an intersex person, does your body regulate your hormones itself? Or does it need help? (e.g. I need to take testosterone to live as a man and, since my hysterectomy in 2002, I don’t make enough estrogen to live without some sort of HRT). I found that once I got my hormone dose right (I take Reandron 1000 every 11 weeks), my life felt less chaotic, my moods settled and I was much more relaxed.

    Sure, there’s always times when life feels overwhelming but that’s a normal part of life :)

    Leaving school and entering post-school life is a big step. It can take a few years to adjust :) Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to discover who you are … don’t try to force it on yourself. By going with the flow, you might surprise yourself with who you find :)

    • Thank you very much for your thoughtful words!

      That’s a very good question about the hormones. At the moment, I’m not doing any kind of HRT, and as you might have surmised, my hormones aren’t great at balancing themselves (as Denis would be happy to tell you :D). The last time I had my levels done, they were, well, interesting! My estradiol level was higher than normal for a male but lower than normal for a female, and my testosterone level was just the opposite. I don’t remember what the other levels (lutienizing hormone, etc.) were. My theory is that my body is intermittently at war with itself over whether it wants to function in a more male-like or a more female-like way.

      That’s priority one after we get our new health plan started in January (the coverage I get through school is good for major injuries and so forth, but not maintenance stuff). The idea is to get all of this stuff sorted, but it’s going to take some doing.

      I was on HRT briefly (for around 6 months in 2010), which I think was a good thing in terms of getting some of the important “finishing off” functions handled (growth plate closure, etc.). I did find that my mood was more stable at the time, but I feel kind of ambivalent about it — by which I mean, I’m happy being an androgynous person, and I don’t necessarily want my body to be more masculine than it is (nor do I want it to be more feminine). OTOH, it might actually be necessary. I’m sure you’re familiar with all the possible complications related to insufficient sex hormone levels, heh. The challenge for me is figuring out whether mine are, well, sufficiently insufficient to be really problematic, and whether there’s any other means by which I can compensate.

      We also want to figure out if we might be able to have children naturally. I will have to undergo a number of tests that I’m not entirely looking forward to, but it’s worth finding out.

      I like the idea of going with the flow. I do think that right now I’m feeling a little pressured to make a firm decision, and I think that pressure comes entirely from me. You’re right, it is a good idea to take a step back and let things happen how they’re going to happen!

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